Strahd's Domain

In Vampire of the Mists Strahd plays host to foreign elf, Jander Sunstar. It's something of a love-hate relationship between the two, but probably more hate... Anyway, my dear friend and I have been concocting ideas as to how Strahd would irritate Jander Sunstar. Be warned, there are in-jokes here, but some of these are too priceless to miss out on!

• Anna was probably a waste of time and space.
• Are you sure Toril’s not just a figment of your imagination. I’ve never heard of it.
• Baby sit Trina for me while I go out for a bit in search of someone… thank you!
• Can I call you the “Muffin Man”? *wink*
• Come! Let’s go slaughter the Burgomaster’s family – just for fun!
• You said you were a slave once – was your master an elderly man by the name of “Santa Claus”? I read about your kind in one of my tomes once.
• Did you ever have any rude names for Gideon? I bet you did! Tell me! If you don’t tell me, I’ll torture them out of you!
• Did you know that “Silver Eye” is a disease? No one wants to go near a person with that contagious ailment.
• Love the suntan, Jander! I bet you’re the kind of person who loves going out in the sun.
• You know all those dreams you’ve been having about Anna – I taped your mumblings and sent them off to Radio Immol where they were played on air. Your inane prattle has won Lord Vasili Von Holtz a fortune!
• Don’t worry – I took the clothes back to Cristina’s for you and demanded my money back on your behalf. She started crying so I assured her that it was your idea.
• Curvy Nickelhead.
• Do you have brain damage or are all elves as dense as you?
• Even Voldra makes better conversation than you do, Jander.
• Good evening, Janet.
• Say, can you explain what this pink disk is? *Thrusting it in Jander’s face* What’s the matter with you?
• Let me get this straight, you kept trying to feed a young woman called Anna who wouldn’t eat? Was her surname Rexic or something?
• I can tell you work with manure. You’ve smelt of it for weeks now. You know that we do have a perfectly good bath upstairs?
• I didn’t steal it – I merely acquired it. Everything in Barovia is mine anyway.
• I hate to tell you this but Anna was probably just another potato-shaped ragamuffin. Or a whore. Or a tart.
• Golden wolves are a bit conspicuous around here. Why can’t you just fit in for once?
• Brown bats are a rarity here – you remind me of a lump of shit with wings.
• What nasty rumours can I invent about you today?
• The rule of thumb here is that the best place in Barovia is wherever I am.
• I thought elves were supposed to be beautiful.
• Who can I kill today?
• Come here and let me punch you. I’m feeling particularly violent today.
• The next time you annoy me, I’ll take it out on a villager instead.
• I’ll turn over a new leaf for you Jander, because I know if you did it, it would die.
• I’ll just claim that you said it and then they won’t think you’re such a pleasant person!
• Get over it, Jander. It was just a joke to see if you would wear that tea-cosy to the Spring Celebration; it’s not my fault you believed me when I said it was a hat.
• Is “Jander” onomatopoeia? I think it is actually.
• You can count on me! Ha ha ha! Geddit – count! I’m a Count!
• Who cares if you never find Anna again? I don’t. It’s only your heart at stake! Ha ha! Stake! Geddit!
• I’ve just made a fortune selling all of your possessions on eBay.
• I’ve just trampled some flowers – do you know whose they are?
• Jander will be only too happy to strip for you Kartov, Sasha… won’t you Jander?
• Jander, explain the technicalities of magic to Trina for me.
• Jander, my friend, not everyone in Barovia understands that the elvish word for muffin is “bondâge” … It’s not my fault I told them where they could get it!
• Kill innocents!
• Let’s learn magic shall we, Jander? Shall we? There’s a good boy. Don’t pout.
• The only reason you despise magic is because you’re not intelligent enough to understand it.
• Listen Jander, the rules to Hawk and Hare change from time to time.
• Look! I did it by magic for you!
• Look – I’ve made a slave for you.
• Jander… look, you have something in your eye. What do you mean where? There! *poke*.
• Look at me! … I said look at me! Hello! I need attention! Look at meeeee!
• If you already had a long life through being an elf, why did you choose to be a vampire as well? You’re very selfish you know; someone else could have had that gift.
• Look what I bought you for the Spring Celebration! You said there were too many buttons so I had the fastenings removed for your convenience.
• Undoubtedly you’d be a nicer person if you were a Crimson Death, Jander.
• May I call you Jan? Or Janitor? Or January? Or Janet?
• I guess you must be relieved you can’t see your hideous reflection anymore.
• Certainly Jander will try your new rice pudding recipe here and now, Burgomaster Kartov, won’t you Jander? Where are your manners? I shall enjoy watching this!
• Not even a vampire should have ears that pointed!
• Oh, is this your diary? I thought it was just an unwanted book declaring “read me”.
• So what if Lestat and I like to prank call you? Where’s your sense of humour?
• Sure the animals around here are safe for consumption… if that’s your taste.
• That’s not a flute – it looks more like something that’s come out of Trina’s backside!
• Well that’s a stupid thing to say – only an elf would say a thing like that!
• What do you mean? Oh, I threw it out. It was only a twig with holes in it.
• What’s wrong with it? I’m sure you can find a way of wearing it to the Spring Celebration.
• What’s your problem if I choose to be in mist form in front of the fresco while you’re painting?
• Who in Ravenloft painted that fresco! I would have at least expected them to have used a paintbrush!
• You can have some of mine. What’s the matter – aren’t you hungry? This “Anastasia” is delicious!
• Why are you always painting the fresco? Can’t you learn to paint on some scraps of fabric before you go messing up any more of this castle’s fine artwork?
• You have such a nickel head! You don’t? Well then, you won’t mind me spamming you more!
• Would you like to lend a hand and come help me torture prisoners?
• I know where you’re ticklish! Here! And here! And – ow! You just wait until I expose those secrets to the villagers!
• Oh, Sasha was a friend of yours was he? What do you mean where is he? Don’t you know? I made him into a vampire then buried him in a concrete coffin several miles underground. You knew what I thought of him anyway.
• Watch you’re tongue Jander or I’ll have it wrenched from your mouth… or I’ll leave you out in our new conservatory for the day.
• You have the Barbie; I’ll have the Hotwheels – that way both our personalities are satisfied.
• Jander told me he would like to do some pole-dancing for you all tonight, wouldn’t you Jander?
• All your possessions are now officially owned by me – that’s how things are in Barovia.
• My organ’s better than your holey twig.
• I wouldn’t expect your simple mind to understand the complexities of magic; it’s probably far too demanding on your little blond brain.
• You know you’re very curvy. Are all elves like you or are you deformed?
• You love me really…
• You should take me to Toril sometime.
• You’d be better if you were mortal, you know. Why didn’t you choose to stay a mortal?
• Azalin was better looking than you even without his illusion.
• You’re a violation of the laws of nature!
• It’s a shame you’re immortal – you’re such a pain to tolerate.
• You’re more annoying than Azalin… and you seem more… magical!
• You’re more attractive in mist form.
• You’re still looking for Anna in Castle Ravenloft yet you haven’t thought to check the dungeons!
• I might just go and punish everyone in Barovia actually. I’m bored and they’re all guilty of something anyway.